Dear Woosy – Am I gay?

Dear Woosy,

I am a 16 year-old lad and I think I am becoming confused about my sexuality, although I can’t say for sure. For some years now I have been binge-wanking over the ladies girdle section of my mum’s shopping catalogue. However, while playing the pink oboe with some gusto last week I turned the pages so quickly that, before I knew it, I had run out of ladies and so ‘accidentally’ loosed off my love porridge all over a man in some pale blue Y-fronts; and I was not sick afterwards. I also read the other day that chafing causes gayness, although it could be the other way around. Anyway, I have a small red patch at the top of my right leg. Am I gay, or are my trousers too tight for cycling?

Woosy says – It is often said that most young men of your age will go through a phase at which they are unsure of their sexuality and fear they might turn out to be demented perverts. Utter rubbish! Most lads of your age are perfectly normal and healthy and have no interest in fiddling with the parts of their fellow men. Yuk. Indeed, even by your tender age a huge number are experienced lovers capable of showing the divorced older woman what she was missing all those years she spent murmuring words of encouragement to the now, thankfully departed, Mr Floppy. It should not be too hard to work out if you are a sexual deviant or not. Have you ever been to see the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music while wearing a dress? Do your hands flop forward at the wrist? Do you enjoy ball games? Do you like cock? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above you are definitely a degenerate sex fiend, although you might just be a member of the local rugby team.

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