Dear Woosy – I’m so ashamed of my body

Dear Woosy,

I am almost completely flat chested and it’s ruining my life. I am so ashamed of my body that I can no longer do anything that involves a communal changing room, like swimming or other sport. I just can’t stand it when everyone takes their tops off and I am surrounded by huge, voluptuous, swinging breasts while all I have is a pair of fried eggs. It’s got so bad I have had to give up football. Is it an age thing? All my pals only seem to have blossomed in the last few years. Do you think mine will start growing soon? I’m 42. My wife says I have nothing to worry about and that I look fine but I just want to be one of the lads again.

Woosy says – I fully understand your concerns. Men with giant breasts are much more attractive than those with tiddlers. I don’t know if you’ve seen any photos of Jack Nicholson recently but in my opinion, and that of all my girlfriends, he has never looked better. What a pair of funbags! A lot of men think they will sprout huge melons naturally, not so. It takes a bit of work. You could try drinking more tap water, it’s packed full of lady hormones these days. Alternatively try massaging them every day with lager. If that does not work try dressing up as your wife and getting your GP to put you on the pill. That should do the trick.

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