Dear Woosy – My parents are plotting to get me married

Dear Woosy,

I am an 18-year old, bubbly, attractive young girl. I overheard my parents, yesterday, plotting to get me married to a bald, pot-bellied man who is twice my age. This man has inherited a vast fortune and my parents feel that I would be financially secure. I hate the very idea. I am desperate. Please advise.

Woosy says – Though it is not clear, from your question, if your apprehensions about marrying this man pertain to his baldness, his pot-bellied-ness or the fact of his being twice your age, let me tackle all three. Baldness should actually lift your spirits as it is well-established that a receding hair line is due to increased hormonal activity and is reflective of the man’s virility. A whole body of research material is available to provide conclusive evidence that pot-bellied men make better fathers, more competent cooks and have a keener sense of humour. About his age, let me disabuse you of the notion that you will continue to be half his age for ever. When he is 100 years old, you will not be 50, as you seem to presume in your childish innocence ; you will be a doddering, toothless, octogenarian yourself. So, all your concerns are baseless. Don’t give it a second thought. Plunge right ahead and splurge his riches.

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