Dear Woosy – My sex life is ruined

Dear Woosy,

I read recently that “being your own best friend” could be good for your sex life, and that self-pleasuring was in fact recommended to bring couples closer together in bed. Yet when I pulled out the old flesh rocket for a bit of five-digit disco in the girlfriend’s car the other day as we were heading round to her gran’s for tea she went mad! She called me a filthy pervert, despite the fact I wiped up the tiny bit of nut butter that did end up on her dashboard. Now she won’t have anything to do with me and my sex life is ruined.

Woosy says – What were you thinking? It is one thing to tug the old trouser meat every now and again while being chauffered around the country by your better half; but you were on the way to her grans – for tea. Did you not suspect that the sight of your love custard might put your girlfriend off her impending cream fancy? Of course it is always good to let Willy know he’s wanted but there is a time and a place to punch the munchkin. Next time take the bus.

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