Dear Woosy – Working away makes me feel guilty

Dear Woosy,

My job requires me to work away a lot of the time, which means my wife often has to spend evenings and weekends alone, and this makes me feel terribly guilty. Thankfully, she has struck up a friendship with the gentleman next door. Ted is a kindly soul, being selfless enough to allow my wife to cook his dinner of an evening and keep her company with a glass of wine. He’s even been good enough to share our marital bed at night, because she says would have terrible nightmares otherwise. I thought everything was going just fine, but having just arrived home I’ve discovered Ted’s car in the drive and my key won’t work in the lock. When I looked in the window, I could see Ted’s slippers by the fire, and he appears to feature quite heavily in a set of family portraits on the wall. Obviously there’s an innocent explanation to all this, but as they won’t answer the door to me I remain slightly perplexed. Can you offer any advice?

Woosy says – Sometimes it is possible to trust a person too much. You remind me a bit of Mrs Jolly, a supply teacher I once had. Mrs Jolly was fat and wore a poncho and wacky spectacles. She was one of that rare breed of teachers who still have faith in humanity. Or at least she did. For some reason, Mrs Jolly liked to communicate with us via a hand puppet duck called Huggles, and be all radical about stuff. Instead of the usual curriculum, Mrs Jolly made us do stupid activities like sing the calypso version of the Lord’s Prayer while she played guitar and rocked back and forth like a moron. Instead of maths, we had to do an interpretive dance about the rainforest, and rather than teach us about the Water Cycle, she decided to let Huggles read us a poem about multiculturalism. Unfortunately, Mrs Jolly thought it wise to leave us alone for ten minutes with Huggles while she went to get a coffee. I don’t think she minded so much about the poster paint in her handbag, but Huggles’ mutilation hit her very hard and we all felt a little bit guilty after she’d been taken away by the headmistress. What this should teach you is don’t be a hippy freak, and don’t trust people who don’t deserve your trust. Sadly, it’s too late for you and Huggles, but perhaps you’ll remember next time.

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