Dear Lily – I can’t get girls to sleep with me

LilyDear Lily,

I’m having terrible trouble getting women to sleep with me, even though I have my chat-up technique honed to a fine art. Basically, after I have discretely drawn the woman’s attention to my semi-erect manhood by rubbing it slowly with a gloved hand and gesturing towards it with ‘come-to-bed’ eyes, I then purposefully allow my tongue to trace the outer edges of my lips, perhaps allowing a small stream of spittle to sexily trickle down my chin. I then begin to breathe deeply and heavily like some kind of sexually charged wild animal, all the time sliding closer and closer to to my quarry. Unfortunately, by the time I get within shagging distance, I’ve been ejected from whichever premises I happen to be in at the time and soon find myself in a frustrated heap by the side of the road. Can you offer any suggestions as to how I evade capture to ensure I finally get the chance to sex a helpless maiden?

Lily says – In my school weve got a special unit run by Mrs Waddle for those kids who apparently require a bit of extra supervision due to having what the teachers refer to as ‘complex learning needs’. The kids in Mrs Waddle’s class are only allowed crayons for art because they like to eat poster paint and insert sharpened pencils in other people’s ears, and they think it’s ok to stick their hands in their pants or tell the headmaster he’s a droopy horse cock during morning assembly. If you ever walk past Mrs Waddle’s classroom, it’s likely that there’ll be someone standing on the table with no trousers on, or holding a chair above their heads and shouting ‘fanny’ over and over again, or even wiping something suspicious and brown on the window pane. Apparently you’re not to laugh at them because it only encourages their silly behaviour and if you notice one of them making a run for it across the playground, you’re to tell the teacher straight away. It sounds like you also have complex learning needs and should maybe spend some time in the special unit. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of girls in there too, even if they do have massive foreheads and hairy knuckles, and think it’s perfectly acceptable to torture a guinea pig.

Hope that helps!

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