My prospective mother-in-law says I am a loser

Dear Lily,

My girlfriend and I are deeply in love, and I would dearly love her to be my wife one day. However, my prospective mother-in-law (who actually does look like Zelda from Terrahawks) hates my guts and makes my life a misery at every possible opportunity. No matter how hard I try, she is always criticising me and telling my girlfriend I am a loser. Can you suggest anything that will prevent me from driving a cake fork into the bitch’s face?

Lily says – We had a supply teacher once called Mrs Crouch who had a hunch and smelled of sour milk. She came to look after our class while our usual teacher was off having a baby. The regime under Mrs Crouch was bleak and hopeless; she ruled us with an iron fist and wouldn’t even let us play with the jigsaws during wet playtime. Rumour had it that Mrs Crouch could shoot laser beams from her eyes, and breathe fire from her mouth, so none of us dared to be naughty. However, one day, Mrs Crouch went too far:  she refused to read us a story before home time and instead made us sit in silence with our fingers on our mouths because there was one pair of scissors missing. It was clear that we had to lead a full scale rebellion against the evil Mrs Crouch, whose draconian rule was becoming a threat to humanity itself. From this point on, a sustained campaign of putting PVA glue in her handbag was enough to topple her from power. She was soon replaced and we now have unrestricted access to the jigsaw puzzles once again. So all it takes is a little courage, a dash of perseverance and a huge amount of non-toxic adhesive and you too can defeat the hideous tyrant who stalks your very soul.

Hope that helps!

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