Dear Lily – How can I change his grin?

Dear Lily, Lately, I’ve become suspicious that my husband is having an affair: he has suddenly started taking pride in his appearance; buying me flowers for no good reason; and worst of all, he always seems to have a daft smile on his stupid face. Considering I have endeavoured to make his life a misery … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – Can I erase my wife’s memory?

Dear Lily, Every Tuesday evening, while my wife is out at her exercise class, I like to have what I’ve come to think affectionately of as a ‘zumba wank’ to relieve the day’s tension. Unfortunately, last Tuesday I was mid-stroke when my wife returned unexpectedly and now she just keeps crying all the time and … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – Should I grab his cock?

Dear Lily, I’ve been doing some flirting with Steve from accounts recently: letting him see a flash of nipple at the water cooler, or a hint of gash as I uncross my legs during team meetings. He said to me the other day: ‘leave me the hell alone, this is sexual harassment and if you … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – My girlfriend has terrible flatulence

Dear Lily, My girlfriend has terrible flatulence. You’d think that a young lady would have the manners to hold it in, but she has clearly become far too familiar and even thinks it’s funny to force my head under the covers and shout ‘smell the beef’ whenever she lets one go in bed. All I … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – My husband hates my beard

Dear Lily, I decided recently that I’ve had enough of buying expensive shaving products, and spending loads of time every morning having a shave. Now my beard has grown in thick and full, I reckon I look fine but my husband doesn’t agree. Should I just shave it off again to keep him happy? Lily … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – I need someone to impregnate me

Dear Lily, I thought things were going great with my boyfriend. We have so much in common, have the same wicked sense of humour and laid-back approach to life, and whenever we get together in the bedroom, we’re like two randy sheep rutting in a field. So you can imagine how distraught I was to … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – I’m in love with an armed robber

Dear Lily, I’ve fallen in love with an absolutely wonderful man who is kind and funny and loving. The only issue is that he’s in jail for armed robbery and aggravated assault. We met through one of those prison pen pal schemes, which I got involved with soon after my last relationship went wrong. I’ve … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – Is my best friend just jealous?

Dear Lily, My best friend confronted me last night and told me that since I started going out with my girlfriend I’ve totally changed. It’s true that my new squeeze has encouraged a few positive alterations, for example, I’ve radically overhauled my wardrobe, updated my hairstyle, stopped farting and swearing, stopped socialising with my friends, … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – I can’t get girls to sleep with me

Dear Lily, I’m having terrible trouble getting women to sleep with me, even though I have my chat-up technique honed to a fine art. Basically, after I have discretely drawn the woman’s attention to my semi-erect manhood by rubbing it slowly with a gloved hand and gesturing towards it with ‘come-to-bed’ eyes, I then purposefully … [Read the full story]

Dear Lily – I accidentally proposed to my girlfriend

Dear Lily, I have accidentally proposed to my girlfriend. After plying me with cider the evil temptress bewitched me with promises of a blow job and next thing I know, I’m down on one knee simpering about how much I would be honoured to take her as my wife. Last time I made an important … [Read the full story]

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