Adam the Atheist – Lessons from the Bible

Hello. My name is Adam (it really is). My surname isn’t Atheist, but I am an atheist…and for good a reason. 

It’s that Christmasy, bollocky time of year again. I’m not a miserable Scrooge – I’m just a normal person that doesn’t believe in religious shit – please…keep reading.

Here’s a strange story from the Bible that doesn’t regularly get air-play.

This is a most bizarre tale from Genesis, with its utterly bemusing explanation of the genetic code. Basically, Laban is taking all of Jacob’s beloved striped and spotted cattle. Jacob is left with boring old, plain-coloured cattle, which he doesn’t seem to like at all. So Jacob concocts a cunning plan…he gets some sticks and begins painting stripes on them. He then plants them next to his cattle.

Maybe this story should be 'Jacob and his amazing techni-coloured cow'What Jacob thinks is that if he gets his cattle to look at the striped sticks while copulating, then they will give birth to striped young (yes, I do have to remind you that the Bible was written by men…roughly 70 years after Jesus was meant to have died on the cross…I will do this a lot in the coming weeks, that is, if Ozzie News keep me in work)

Now, we’d all expect this ridiculous plan to fail and Jacob to learn a lesson about…I don’t know…not to be a spoilt little shit or something, but NO, it actually works. The cattle give birth to striped young, and Jacob is happy.

What on earth is going on here? Anyone with the most basic understanding of genetics knows that this, of course, utter shit. The odd thing is that this story seems to have no purpose and moral…it’s just there…probably written by some demented old fella with a big beard wearing sandals made out of rat-skin.

And I can’t help but wonder, how many scientists with painted sticks had attempted to repeat this process before someone came along and said, “I don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but I think this might be a made up story”.

Nothing more to say apart from…utter bollocks.

Adam the Atheist

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