Tommy Taylor’s SRU

Tommy is on holiday for a week and I am writing his column for him…I am his mum.

I live in an apartment block on the top floor. I have two dogs, and as soon as the front door opens they race out and into the lift. I have to run down the stairs and usually at the bottom one of the other tenants has caught them and is stroking them. It’s like the great escape or Colditz. I caught the older one building a glider last week and the younger one is a terrier. He was digging a tunnel under the bed in the spare room. Even the fly-wire, to which I attached a battery, did not deter them. The older one jumped over and the younger one climbed the frame uttering, ‘ouch, ouch’ in doggy language.

Tommy gave me Claude (lucky legs) Dupris’ secret Melbourne Cup tip and swore me to secrecy. I phoned my eldest sister and told her the name of the horse, but to keep it under her hat.

A day later I had a phone call from my doctor, asking if I wanted a tip for the Cup. He said my sister had sold the secret tip to him and not to tell anyone. Later, I found out half the medical people in Belgium had been contacted with the information. My sister is good at keeping secrets…she didn’t tell her German nanny that the war had ended until 1955. The nanny was hidden behind the bookcase in the front room and told if the Russians invaded they would take her bus-pass away. Oh, I forgot to tell you the horse’s name is ‘Winchester’…not the cathedral.

I went down to the showroom to put a deposit on a new car, but Tommy said I should put some money on the horse first. He is ordering a Bentley and suggested I order a Fiat 500. The last time he had a winning horse was when Ben Hur won at the chariot races.

But now this week’s news – Justin Timberlake spent millions on his wedding. I told him not to go to Italy…it’s far cheaper in Sydney. Did you see his wife in the photos? She looked so sad…probably because she received the bill for her half of the wedding.

Julia Gillard accused Tony Abbott of misogyny…no wonder he hates her. Tommy asked why she was going out with a Greek guy, but I said misogyny was almost certain to be Polish…they like a lot of y’s in a name. Soccer is a funny game, they start a game with eleven players and it’s a race to see who the first player is to get sent-off. This season every week the man in black ruins it for all the spectators.

It is with great sadness I must report the death of tennis in Australia. Once, the greatest players in the world came from Darwin or Scarborough…sometimes even Melbourne or Sydney. But, where have they all gone?

Never mind the Olympics or motorcycle racing, let the government get behind tennis.

In schools, our Prime Minister is proposing we should teach our children Mandarin. Forget the oranges teach them to play tennis.

Time to go, there was a knock at the door and the eldest dog has actually learnt how to unlock the door. They will be down playing pool by now. Tommy will be back next week with a new car or riding a bike.

My sister is coming for a visit, so I will have to hide the booze and cancel the racing papers.

I almost forgot the financial news. I had a lovely chat in the Commonwealth bank with girl behind the counter. She was giving advice on mortgages.

It’s much more difficult in Europe. Germany has all the money, so without even firing a gun, they now control Greece Italy, Spain, Portugal and parts of Ireland. France are on Germany’s side. They think they have some control, but I remember Vichey. The UK have already sold most of their industries to the Huns.

I do hope the Dockers do well next year. They could sign Emily Heskey. He is scoring goals each game. He won’t cost much.

That’s covered finance and sport, so I hope Tommy will ask me to cover for him next Cup day.

Love to all Tommy’s readers – from mum.

A late news flash – Claude’s horse in the Cup tried to escape and meet up with a filly. But on his return, when climbing the fence to get back to the stables, he pulled a hock.

Claude said he is changing his new car from a Bentley to a Fiat 500.

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